"This little girl, she grew up and moved away."

BLOG NUMBER 2:
500 gallons is a lot of water...
I would like to describe for my gentle-readers the definition of a hot-mess.
In iambic pentameter.
At 5:15 a.m. I laid my weary head down for what was sure to be the most disappointing sleep of my month. How many times can you hit the snooze button before it becomes pathetic? My mom knocks/opens my door at 10:45.
"Valerie, it's after 10:30...normally you've showered by now."
"I'm not showering today."
"Okay, do you have your alarm set?"
"Kind of."
The door shuts
*Scene*
Finally at 11:00 a.m. I prise myself from my covers. I stood in the same spot in my room for about 5 minutes trying to figure out what was stopping me from calling off work. It was like some cosmic force. My mind was made up. No work today! But for some reason the action of picking up my phone and dialing into work was not in the cards. I opened the door of my room and shuddered as the cold air from the rest of the house hit me. How did I manage to take my socks off while sleeping yet again? I stumble up the stairs like a rouge pinball bumping into the walls as I go. I manage to make it into the bathroom, and relieve myself without any outrageous happenings. Before I begin getting ready for work I take a look at myself in the bathroom mirror, and I do not like what I see.
My ponytail has half fallen out. Makeup left over from yesterday is smeared across my left cheek, and creases from my pillow across the right. A rather thick stream of snot is running out of my nose. My half tucked in shirt hides the fact that I have a wedgie reminiscent of one of Jim Carey's more successful movies: Ace Ventura Pet Detective. I let out a great sigh of disappointment and think to myself, "I should've taken a shower."
No time for should've's. So I wipe the snot from my nose on my right sleeve, turn out the light and make my way back to my room to begin my transformation.
I take what's left of my ponytail out of it's elastic prison and let my hair fall to my shoulders. I give it a good lookin' at and decide that brushing it is just out of the question. Back it goes, up into an unforgiving, messy bun. The pillow creases on the right side of my face are quickly turning into a distant memory. Removing yesterday's makeup and applying today's is no problem. Makeup and I understand each other. The offending stream of snot is back, and the thought occurs to me, "Could I be getting sick?"
And I sneeze. Hypochondria is no laughing matter.
It's now that I realize I probably should've done laundry as I have no clean clothes to wear to work. I'm also noticing a cold chill creeping up my back. I bet it's that cold I developed a few seconds prior. I go rooting through my dirty laundry and find three potential pairs of pants for work. I give each of them a good smell, and choose the ones that smell the least like dead raccoon (hobby of mine). I put them on and realize they could use some ironing. I turn on my straightening iron for my hair, and give each pant leg a pass from the straightener. It doesn't really work. Oh well, not going for perfection here...mostly just aiming for function. I feel like I have a fever. I wonder to myself how I contracted swine flu only moments earlier. I decide to bundle up since I'm ill and put on a couple sweaters. As I step out of my room, dressed for...well I was just grateful to be dressed...I realize that my entire outfit doesn't match. Another shrug. I go up the stairs and take the bathroom mirror on for a second time.
Greasy, stringy hair in a messy bun. Wrinkly pants. Blood shot eyes with massive dark circles underneath. The a'fore mentioned tribute of snot making another guest appearance on my face. You might be asking yourself, "Why does Valerie describe herself as looking so haggard?"
Well this, my friends, is how you make a hot-mess.
I asked a question earlier in this blog. How many times can you hit the snooze button before it becomes pathetic?
The answer is 9.

"Little girl why are you crying? Just because the flowers in your garden are dying."

I have two very different blogs to write tonight.
BLOG NUMBER 1:
I am continuously impressed with you. The world keeps throwing you curve balls and you rise. You're far from home, the only member in your family, very new to this thing called being a Mormon...you have so many questions, you've been in several car accidents, you had a friend screw you out of a lot of money, a pipe burst in your apartment spewing hundreds of gallons of water everywhere...you have every excuse in the world to give up, and do what's "easy."
And yet, you don't.
You stick to it.
Even when it's hard, and life just seems like it's never going to get any easier. I don't know the pain you're going through because you bear it all with such dignity. You smile and you continue to serve. How do you do it?
I'm so immensely grateful for your friendship and your influence in my life. You have no idea what it means to me to see you keep on fighting even when those around you who were the first members you had contact with are no longer active. Even though those missionaries that were eternally important to you are gone.
I can't imagine what you've gone through since you decided to make that choice of immersion, but I know this...you're obviously a big deal if the adversary is trying this hard to make your life difficult, and there is always...always a trial of your faith before the miracle. I promise.
And I love you. Thank you. You are so beautiful, and I am SO glad that you didn't settle.

"Time to play B-sides."

"How are you? I never ask.
In my own life is where I bask.
You must have thoughts, concerns, or doubts.
I can only guess what they're about.
This world it seems is upside down.
It's hard to know where truth is found.
We get attacked from all sides,
And then our fate we must decide.
We get a choice of two different ways,
Sometimes a decision can take us days.
We often choose the lesser course,
Then feel too late our "friend, remorse.
If we would only come to thee,
And ask for help, then we'd be free.
You always offer honesty,
A pain-free path and clarity.
If we stay our course and wander not,
We'll find the truth we've often sought.
What strikes me strange in all of this,
Is picking momentray happiness instead of endless bliss.
Why can't we see the road before?
Why don't we answer when you're at the door?
I find it odd we don't ask thy aide.
When it's what we need most, every single day."

"Bar keep get me a drink, that's when she caught my eye."

So I'd like to share with my faithful blog readers a day in the life of an Exel Direct Scheduler.
*Phone rings* *Phone rings*
Customer: Hello?
Valerie: Hi, is this Sandra?
Sandra: No, you have the wrong number.
Valerie: Are you sure?
Sandra: Quite sure. No Sandra here.
V: Really? Because this is Exel Direct, delivery service for Pottery Barn.
S: ...Oh. Then yes. This is Sandra. I thought you were a telemarketer.
V: Nope. Just calling to schedule your delivery.
S: Okay, what day do you have?
V: Can I verify your address first please?
S: Yes, it's 1-2-8-6 Supolveda Street. Spelled S-U-P-O-L-V-E-D-A. That's in Galveston Texas. Spelled G-A-L-V-E-S-T-O-N Texas. 4-4-3-0-7.
V: Okay, we're showing our first available date for delivery is going to be...Thursday, Decemeber 17th. Would that work for you?
S: Oh. It's that far out?
V: Yeah...sorry, around Christmas we get kinda busy.
S: Could I have it this weekend? The 12th?
V: Uh, no. The 17th is our first available.
S: What about the 16th?
V: Nope. That route is full.
S: Well, I guess I'm going to have to make it work then. *siiiiiiIIIIGGGGGgghhhhhh*
V: Alright, so I'll put you down for...
S: What time are they going to be delivering?
V: Uh, they'll call you the day before to give you a two hour time frame of when they'll be in your area.
S: Oh, okay. Well thank you!
V: Oh, uhm ma'am, could you tell me of a major intersection near your home?
S: A major what?
V: Intersection.
S: There isn't one.
V: Well, it can be like a mile or two away, and if you can't think of an intersection a cross-street will do.
S: We live out in the sticks, honey. There aren't any streets nearby.
V: I can pull it up on Mapquest, hold on.
S: Oh well there's Main Street. Main Street and Buffalo Ranch Speedway. Spelled M-A-I-N Street. And Buffalo B-U-F-F-A-L-O Ranch, R-A-N-C-H...
V: Is this a gated community?
S: A what?
V: A gated community.
S: I'm not sure I know what you're saying.
V: Do you live in a gated subdivision or neighborhood?
S: Well, there are gates in our neighborhood.
V: Do we have to access a gate to get into your neighborhood.
S: Oh, yes.
V: Okay how do we get through the gate?
S: You take Main Street and turn left onto Buff...
V: No, do we need an access code or a phone number to get through the gate?
S: No, there isn't a gate. You just drive into our subdivision.
V: Are we going up or down any stairs for this delivery?
S: No.
V: Okay, looks like...
S: WELL, we do have like 4 or 5 steps going into the house, but those are just porch steps.
V: ...Okay, looks like we have you set up for delivery then on the 17th. Like I said they'll call you...
S: And what time did you say they were going to deliver?
V: Uh, they'll call you the day before with a 2 hour window of when they'll be in the area.
S: And what windows do I have available?
V: I'm not sure, they'll call you the day before to confirm times with you.
S: Oh, that's right, you said that earlier.
V: Yes. I did. Okay is there anything else I can do for you?
S: Well, can I give you another number to call for that window?
V: Sure, go ahead
S: 6-1-4-5-5-5-2-4-2-4
V: ...that's the number that I just called you at.
S: Oh, yes. It is I'm sorry. 5-5-5-2-3-2-3
V: And that's a 614 area code?
S: No.
V: ... And the are code is?
S: 614.
V: Okay. I've got you set up. Anything else I can do ma'am?
S: No, so they'll call the day before with my window, and if the window doesn't work I can just pick another day then?
V: Sure.
S: Okay. Oh, and if anyone cancels can you put me down on the list to have an earlier date?
V: Sure.
S: Oh, and I can only accept delivery after 5pm on Thursdays.
V: Okay. I'll make a note of that.
S: Thank you.
V: Well, you have a nice evening Ma'am.
S: Thank you! You have...
*Call over*

"But remember, be careful what you do. 'Cause I'm not bulletproof."

"Hello again, are you still there?

I need a friend, someone who cares.

It might seem small, I don't ask for much,

A warm embrace, from friendly touch.

I know that if I ask you to,

You'll heal my pain, it's what you do.

You love me more than anyone,

You're always there, you never run.

And when I have my deepest doubts,

You help me see what life's about,

I've fallen into darkest night,

But through your love I'm bathed in light.

You died for me, and felt my pain.

Then paved the way, and rose again.

Help me see that the road ahead,

has hope for me, please take my hand.

I know that through your endless grace,

I can overcome, and win this race.

Thank you dearly for tonight,

I knew you'd make me feel alright.

This time we've spent was not the first,

And next time I'll be just as sure.

I'll know that when I come to thee,

That thou has blessings just for me."

"I was born to tell you I love you."

"Hello Friend, it's me again. Tonight is really tough.

Pretending to be fine, you see, has proven really rough.

We all smile and laugh along, and carry on our way.

But what they see outside of me gets harder every day.

It's been a while since we last spoke, I hope you've not forgot.

My name, my face, or who I am. I know that you have not.

It amazes me the things you, even things that I don't say.

It's safe to think that no one will quite know me this way.

I feel you here, your endless love. You never left my side.

Though I may have forgotten you, you've always been my guide.

Those times I thought I was alone, or helpless in my plight.

It was you who helped to lift me up, and make my burden light.

So as I sit here on my knees, and ask for aide this night.

It comes to me, I realize, you're with me in this fight."

"You saw me at the worst. You caught me falling first."

I have a theory. (It has nothing to do with bunnies).
When I get ready for work I listen to music. Yesterday I chose an old CD of mine that I haven't listened to in some time. It was a CD that I made of my favorite hits from the early nineties that I would listen to on Sunny.95's night show Delilah.
Have you ever listened to a CD or playlist so many times that you know which song is going to come on immediately after one song ends? I put this CD on shuffle to switch things up a little bit. As song number one ended I immediately started singing song number 2. But song number 2 did not come on.

No, as I previously mentioned my CD was on shuffle.
So song number five came on while I was singing song number 2. (I'm going somewhere with all of this.)
Song number two is a Celine Dion song. Song number five is a song by David Bowie.

And here's my theory: Celine Dion and David Bowie...are the same person.
Don't believe me? Here's my proof.

1. They look astonishingly alike.

2. They both have very distinct singing voices.

3. If you watch the movie "The Labyrinth" and look at David Bowie, he looks like Celine Dion with a bad hair/makeup job.

4. They are the same weight and height.

5. You NEVER see them in a room, award show, movie together.

6. HOW did Celine Dion get so famous? Because her husband with a girl's name mortgaged his house? I don't think so.

7. Have you ever heard Celine Dion speak? Sounds like a fake accent to me...

8. They dance the same.

So my theory is this. In 1990 David Bowie, who was suffering from his latest venture "Tin Machine," went to Quebec to choreograph routines for his "The Sound + Vision Tour." Whilst in Quebec he came up with an alter ego named Celine. He created this idea of a Canadian pop singer from Quebec that would satiate his lust for super stardom until he could bounce back from "Tin Machine." So off he went on the road as Celine Dion. Along the way to satisfy tabloids and journalists he made up the wild story of Celine's "husband," Renee, who was secretly being paid under the table to give his new persona credibility. It also gave him an opportunity to experiment with his sexual orientation (which of course lead to a raucous night and confusing morning for Mick Jagger when he went to bed with a young Canadian pop princess and woke up with a crusty old English gentleman). But we won't go into that.



That, in brief detail, is my theory. But don't take my word for it.

"Whatever happens is meant that way"

Things have just been super, fantastic lately :) I just had one of the best birthdays ever. Work has been going well. I find myself a worn out lately. I feel like I'm doing too much sometimes. But managing that comes with time. I'm just ridiculously content with life right now.
*side note*
Hey, you. Yeah, you. Don't feel so down. I love you and I really appreciate your presence in my life. I want you to know you're amazing, and I know some things are rough lately and other things don't really make sense, but I'm here for you!!
*end of side note*
I'm getting my hair done tomorrow...
Exciting!!!!

"It would be nice to start over again."

After reading a friend's blog I had an interesting idea for a blog of my own. It ties in nicely with some other thoughts I've been having lately.
I'm a package. There are all kinds of things that make up who I am. There are exciting parts of me, and there are boring parts of me. Some of my parts are artistic and beautiful. Other parts are clumsy and awkward. There are some parts that are great at helping other people, and there are also parts who still need help themselves. There's not just one word to define who I am.
So on to my topic. Defining moments in peoples' lives happen all the time. Someone I know just dealt with a painful defining moment. Her mother passed away. I can't believe what kind of pain she must be feeling and how she's going to deal with this. The thing is, though it's not just going to go away. That's why they're called defining moments. They happen and define who we are for the rest of our lives. We don't just get over them and move on. Sometimes we learn and grow from these defining moments, and sometimes they kick our butts. This last week I dealt with one of my defining moments. I was struggling with feelings about my divorce.
Again.
However, these were different feelings. These were feelings of disappointment in myself. Wondering "what if..." and "had I just..." I realized that while I have forgiven him, I never really forgave myself. I had thought all this time that I was just angry at what had happened, but really I had these pent up feelings of frustration at how I'd handled the situation. It took me a little while to work it out, but I think I'm finally good now.
Which brings me to point B of my topic.
Since I got back into the "dating game" I've run across several young men that've had interesting reactions to the fact that I'm divorced. One was pretty recent. We weren't dating per se, however there was mutual attraction. As I said above ^^ I was having a tough time last week dealing with these residual divorce feelings, and it was too much for this individual to take. I didn't really involve him in it at all. In fact, I did all I could to leave him out of it. I only mentioned two things to him that were barely related. He then told me that while he regretted ending things before they even began, it was just too much drama. -OR- I was too much drama. At first I berated myself for bringing this down on the poor boy. Of course it was my fault, I should've left him out of it. But wait. Aren't I a package? Isn't that defining moment part of my package? It is.
Once while feeling sorry for myself after a break up a friend told me, "He wasn't good enough for you anyway (what a good friend). You need a rock star."
True story. If you aren't willing to put up with (notice I did not say like) all parts of my package, then you're not really good enough to be with me. This isn't some superiority issue. I'm not better than you by any means. I just need someone who wants to be with me all the time. Not just the times that I'm pleasant and happy. Because things aren't always going to be great. One minute everything could be perfect, and the next things could get "dramatic." How will I know you'll be ready for those times if you aren't willing to stick by me now?
Just some food for thought.

"I just want to run to you."

I had an interesting thought last night. I was at a party with some friends. One of these friends is 19, and we were all talking about what we were doing around this time when we were 19. Most people said things like their freshman year of college or starting a new job. That wasn't mine.

I'm so sorry. If I could take it all back, I would. I never meant to hurt you or cause you pain. I should've been stronger and more supportive. I'm sorry I couldn't be that person for you, but it was all so new and so soon. I'm sorry that when you needed me the most I distanced myself. I was a coward. You had to have been so alone and scared, and all I could do was worry about how it was hurting me. I didn't understand what you were going through and what's worse, I didn't try to. When things got bad and you lost hope I should've been there with hope enough for the both of us. I didn't uphold the promises I made. I wasn't strong enough for you. How could I give up so easily? How could I let it destroy what we had? You deserved more. You deserved compassion and understanding, not fear and criticism. You deserved what I just wasn't ready to give. This doesn't make it better. Nothing will. Nothing that I say now can fix it, but I want you to know that I'm sorry.

But I promise not to let it happen again. I'm prepared to take what I've learned from all of this and try again. I promise that the next time I make those promises with someone that I'll be ready to face whatever comes our way. I promise to get my priorities right. I promise to remember what happened here with us and to do better. You've made me a stronger person through this trial by fire, and I promise to show the next person how ready I am to make that commitment.

"There's a look in your eye, and I don't feel safe"

I'm writing this for you. Mostly because I think you're the only one that reads this. You're fantastic.
There are several people I'd like to talk about right now.
You're really great. I like you. Your hair is stupid, but you know that. There's something about you that makes it hard for me to stay away when that's my natural reaction.
And you. Being your friend has excited me about the gospel, and has given my testimony new life. Don't worry about the inconsequential things. Just remember that feeling you get when the Spirit is testifying about the truthfulness of the Restored Gospel.
Then there's you. Why have you hurt me so much? I trusted you more than I probably should have, and I've ended up burnt. I'm not interested in being your friend right now. I'll let you know when I'm done being so stubborn.
And of course you. I'm going to miss you so much. We haven't spent all that much time together...as it should be, but you can't leave. I understand that it's part of who you are, and that you're moving on to things more important than me. Just don't forget me.
Also, there's you. I feel like I don't know you. How can two people go from knowing everything about each other to feeling like a total stranger. You come up in my thoughts every once in a while, but when it comes down to it, I'm just over you.
Finally, let's not forget you. Yes, you. Thank you for being my friend. You are a good person, and if people would just try to get to know you better they'd see what I see.
There, are you happy now? I wrote a blog.

"I beg you. Please, stop playing games."

What's happened to me? Who am I? I don't recognize myself anymore.
I'm not the person I was.
But how do I feel about this?

"Then she goes and falls in love and throws it all away"

I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going to end up. I have a lot on my mind and a lot I want to write about.
While I'm not sure where it's going to end up, I can tell you where it's going to start.
My new job has made me anti-social. I'm not sure it's much of a problem because it's also made me more responsible. I'm working a real 9-5 job. Sure, it's really 12-830, but this is one of those jobs that could turn into a career.
Which segues beautifully into my next subject. I don't think I'm going to be around for it to turn into a career. I'm not talking about dying anytime soon (though my demise is eminent with all the people in my row being sick), but I'm moving. Things are really falling into place with this plan to move back to Utah. I don't think it's by coincidence. This does not segue into topic three.
I think I'm sabotaging myself. Since I've moved back to Ohio I've had the chance to be in some pretty legitimate relationships with some pretty exceptional gentlemen. Somehow I always manage to talk myself out of it after the first couple of weeks. This trend is getting taxing, and I'm starting to wonder if I even want a relationship at all. Part of me yearns for that special person to tell everything to and cuddle with in front of the fire (indulge your blogger and pretend I have a fireplace). However, when it comes to thinking about commitment...something just goes horribly wrong, and all these warning bells start going off in my head. This pattern again reared it's ugly head two weeks ago. I started getting close with a certain someone, and when he started talking commitment I started pushing away. I managed to blow that one. (To be fair though, he wasn't a good suitor for me.)
I really love my dog, Sam.
I often blog about things on both sides of my passion spectrum. Things I really LOVE and things I really detest. I like that I'm a passionate person. It leaves little room for a grey area.
Side note - why are there two spellings for the word grey(gray) and which one is appropriate and when?
With most things in my life it's either love or hate. I'm rarely indifferent (unless choosing a restaurant to go to...this proves to be an indecisive subject for me).
Two things I've felt passionate for in the positive light lately are:
1.) Autumn -and-
2.) The Gospel
I'll write on the latter first, which I understand isn't correct blogging etiquette, but let's face it this blog isn't the pinnacle of literary achievement.
I'm always so shocked at how little I know about both the Bible and the Book of Mormon. No matter how many lessons I stayed awake for in seminary or number of times I've read them, they still manage to surprise me. I love being challenged in my personal scripture study. I love coming up with questions, and I love finding answers to these questions even more. I haven't been as faithful at studying the teachings of the prophets and I've noticed. I'm not as happy, friendly, or filled with hope. Some prophet, whose name escapes me at this late hour, said something like, "I find that when I get casual with my relationship with Deity..." something about life becoming hard and what-not..."that if I immerse myself in the study of scripture and saying my prayers..." happiness returns? Something to that effect; you get the point. It's so true. It's the simple, basic things. It really is.
Back to my first listed passion. Autumn. Ah, it's my favorite season. The crisp chill in the air as the leaves change to brilliant shades of orange and scarlet. The smells and sights. It harbors my favorite holiday (Halloween). My birthday is during autumn.
Side note - are seasons proper nouns?
I just love it. Hot cocoa starts becoming a staple along with sweaters, jackets, and snuggling. Corn mazes with friends while you're piled high with parkas and scarves, and the sound the furnace makes when it kicks on. I just love it. Autumn is very refreshing for me. The atmosphere of it all puts me in a great mood.
*BONUS* I LOVE shopping for sweaters. :D
So it looks like after all was said and done today that this blog ended with sweaters. Who knew?

"I tried to live alone, but lonely is so lonely."

Obsession.
She walks in.
Obsession.
What is it she's wearing?
Obsession.
How's a girl like her end up in a crazy place like this?
Obsession.
She looks around the room with disinterest.
Obsession.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Obsession.

Have you ever seen those old perfume commercials? Youtube it.
So quite recently I've been the victim of a very heinous crime. I went to a dance last week. While there I did what I normally do, and I got my dance on. Right before leaving a gentleman asked for my attention and subsequently my phone number also. Unfortunately for me I have this problem where I can't say no to people when they ask me for things face to face.
Ex:
"Valerie, would you like to go on a date?"
Yes.
"Valerie, can I have your phone number?"
Yes.
"Valerie, would you like to do some PCP with me?"
Yes.
So I gave him my phone number. I didn't really expect him to use it. But he did. And then again. And again. And again. And again.
Problem is, I've already told him I'm not interested and do not want to go on a date. But he won't give up. The first couple of days his persistence was endearing. We're now at day 7 and it's no longer endearing. I wonder if he thinks he's winning points...because he's not. He's just making me sick to my stomach. It's gotten to the point where I've looked into what I'm going to need to get a restraining order and the prices for macho body guards named Bruno. Granted, I admire a man that doesn't give up after hearing "no"....the first time. I've now consistently told him no every day in the past week. What do I need to do to get through to this guy!?

I'm beginning to think the offer to do some PCP was a better choice.

"I'm busy in the blissful unaware"

I'd like to register a complaint.
Why in the world would I sign up for Health Insurance if it's not going to cover one penny of my doctor bills?
Why would I allow an insurance company to take a chunk of my paycheck from me if that money is just going to go to waste!?
I go to the Dr. last month to get a physical for my mission, right? Well they decided to pump me full of immunizations and take some blood as well. I got the bill a couple weeks ago. SIX HUNDRED EFFING DOLLARS! And do you know how much of that my insurance covered?
Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nuffing.
Fantastic. I mean really, fan-freakin-tastic.
It just doesn't make any sense. Where is that money going that they take from me every month? Why don't they use it to pay for my Dr. bills!?
Complaint over.

"Please, be cruel to me."

I've been having a very intense time lately. I say intense because it isn't hard or stressful per se. Things are just life or death lately!
I went on my big vacation. I've been making huge and important new decisions for my life. I started a new job today. Big changes.

And I'm tired.

I realized something today. I'm not as okay as I've come to think I am. I haven't dealt with a lot of things, and because of that I'm pushing people away. At the same time I've come to realize something much more important.
The most important thing in my life...no in the entire world, is my membership and testimony in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Sometimes I feel like I'm so alone, but I know that no matter what the Lord is always there to be my friend. Sometimes I feel like no one cares about what's going on in my life, but every night when I get on my knees the Lord listens to everything I have to say, and He never interrupts! Thanks to my testimony I'm never alone. Sometimes I forget it for brief moments, but at the end of the day it's always the Lord and me. Goodness the love that He has for me is so encouraging!

Sidebar - Lemme tell you about my day...in dramatic satire ;)
Scene: As the sun rose this morning so did I. I sleep in the basement so I wasn't really aroused by sunlight so much as my blaring alarm clock playing the song "Calle Ocho" By: Pitbull.
I pick up my phone and turn the annoying repetition of those smutty Spanish lyrics off, and begin my ascent of the basement stairs. I stumble into the family room sporting one massively disheveled ponytail plastered to the side of my face with a mixture of sweat and saliva, and what looks to be Native American war paint but in actuality is really the left-over remains of yesterday's makeup. My mother greets me with a warm, "Good morning Sleeping Beauty!" whilst in her downward-facing-dog pose, and I grunt a response, "Gronnornnin." I turn the corner and face yet another set of stairs. I opt for a comfortable spot on the couch instead. Mom is watching an entertaining movie with Colin Firth in it. I can't resist his big blue eyes and dainty British accent; I quickly become enthralled in the movie. My stomach calls out its protests and demands I fill it. An epic battle rages in my head! "Yes sir we've got quite a crowd this morning as we get ready to watch Colin Firth take on Valerie's cranky Tummy!" Colin wins.
As the credits roll nearly half an hour later I look at the clock and realize I'd better take a shower. I rise from the couch and trudge up the stairs. After yet another staircase (why does this house have so many gosh darn stairs!?) I'm standing at the linen closet trying to decide what color towel I'm feeling like this morning. I reach for a blue one, but see the coveted forest green towel hiding in the back. For those who aren't aware, the forest green towel is a big deal in the Mizer house. It's the biggest, softest towel we own, and it's not rare to see one or more of us fighting over it. This is my lucky day. I grab the towel and head for the bathroom.
Once I'm all clean (please, did you really think I'd go into detail about my naked time?) I wrap myself in the afore mentioned forest green towel and retreat back down all three flights of stairs. Shut in my bedroom I listen to a load of whites being tossed around in the dryer just outside my door. This leads to musical fantasies about how nice it'll be when I move out of my parents house again. After a good ten minute pause in my routine I get back to business. The thought smears across my mind that today is my first day at my new job. I had totally forgotten! My mental meltdown is interrupted by a resounding knock at my door..."Valerie?"
"I'm naked!!" I sing back to my mother.
"Don't forget I washed that shirt you wanted to wear to work today. It's out here hanging up."
Blast.
"Thanks, Mom!"
Then the dogs start to go crazy. Sam is barking like a mad...dog and clawing at the window while Fancy bays out her strained, gravelled howl. What in the world!?
Mom runs back upstairs to assay the dogs. I hear the front door open. Someone is cooing the dogs names. Who could possibly be here this early?
No time. I have to get ready for work, and it's going to take a while because I've got to look GoooOOOOooood on my first day. Makeup goes on. I creep out of my room wrapped in the forest green towel in an attempt to retrieve the shirt for today, praying that whomever is here won't decide they need to take a trip to the basement. Once I'm shut safely back in my room I get dressed. I look in the mirror to check out the job I've done preparing myself to look GoooOOOOooood. I look good. That's not what I'm going for. What about the mixed capital and lower case o's?? Then suddenly I know what it is that will put me over the top.
I bust out the curling iron.
Another knock at the door.
"Valerie!"
Annoyed.
"Yes, Mother?"
"Your Grandma is here. It'd be nice if you came out and saw her before we leave to go to lunch. Can you please put some clothes on??"
..."I'll be up in a minute..."
I check the clock. Hopefully Grandma can keep this reunion brief. I've got hair to curl.
**For the complete story email Valerie at vrmizer@yahoo.com

"Don't wake up, won't wake up, can't wake up."

I think I don't get it.
Any of it.
And I quit trying to.
I have new priorities.
And don't worry, I know it's an issue. Sorry it's taken me so long to fix it, but it will be fixed.

"I promise you it won't happen again."

So I once again answered the Siren Call of Utah.
I got home today around 4 o'clock. It was an interesting trip. Very eventful. There's so much to think/talk about. I find myself needing an outlet (Danita, this will probably be you).
Interesting thoughts.
On another note: I start a new job next Tuesday. I will continue to work at Dick's, but only on Mondays. From now on I will have zero social life.
I'll miss you, friends.

"I'm longing for words to describe how I'm feeling."

I've had two thoughts (and two alone) on my mind these past couple of days.
But first I'd like to touch on a very important subject. A couple days ago I was feeling nostalgic. Subsequently I wrote a blog about it.
There was a very important part of memory lane that we detoured however.
I miss spaghetti in a can. I miss Yoga at 3 in the morning. I miss shopping for toiletries. I miss peanut butter sandwiches on the porch. I miss pink and orange and orange and pink.
I miss you Heather. Please don't think I've forgotten you. You're of my leading ladies!! :D
So these two thoughts are centered around the state of Utah. For those of you who are truly faithful followers of this truly intrinsically Valerie blog you know that I used to live in Utah. Well this coming week I am going back!! Not for good...(never fear Buckeyes!) but for a nice visit. We're going to be there for quite some time, and I'm excited to the point that I'm having trouble sleeping.
It's like the night before Christmas and I'm five years old again. Except this year Santa has Utah in his bag. (He's magic, he can do what he wants.)
I have no idea how this trip is going to go, but I'm pretty positive (on a scale of one to positive I'd say I'm around....8) that it is going to be EPIC. This is something that I'm looking forward to making happen.
*Side bar - today was an interesting day at work. I got offered a new job today. I have until Saturday to figure out if I want to take it or not....
**Side bar to add to the side bar - there's a new guy at work that looks like he could be my ex-husband's long lost twin brother...interesting array of emotions attached to that little fact.
So I finally opened up a new checking account. I'm excited for this. I feel like I've finally taken control of my life back. It only took a year and a half for me to get it, but things are starting to feel really good. I know that it's all thanks to God. He continues to bless me even when I don't feel like I deserve it. He really is gracious.
So to sum it all up...look out Utah, you're in for quite a surprise!! Because here we come!
Heather....I love ya girl.

-Hugs n Kisses
Bloggin Mama

"I'd rather be here with you"

Have you ever met someone that came into your life quick and out of the blue, made an impact you'll never forget, and then just as quickly as they showed up...they're gone?
It's amazing the kind of impression people can make on one another in such a small amount of time.
Isn't the wonderful thing about it when you get a chance to have that person walk back into your life...even if it's not for very long?
I can't wait to see what happens next. :)

"Suppose that I miss you"

Gosh...it's been a few minutes since my last blog-a-licious entry.

Topic: Nostalgia

I hung out with someone last night that made me realize that I miss a lot of things.

We looked at the blog of this person's brother. I miss writing in my blog.

My little sister started her junior year of high school yesterday. In the break room at work we all talked about what we were like in high school, and how we miss the years of no bills, no jobs, no taxes

...no responsibilities...

I miss some of my friends. When you become an adult this terrible thing happens where you get busy. This leads to less time spent with friends. I know two friends in particular that I'd love to spend more time with, but when you're adult it's hard to rationalize your time sometimes.

I went to the doctor last week and had to take a couple days off work. I spent those two days lying on the couch at home trying to get better, and I realized...I've got to be an adult if those were two of the most relaxing days I've had in a while.

I'm getting ready to go on vacation in a week to Utah. I miss Utah. Not just the people, but mostly the people. We're going to be staying with an old roommate of mine while we're out there. I miss having roommates and my own place.

I used to love my job. I used to think it was outstanding. I've lost all my drive and passion for what I do and the people I work with. I loathe my job. I miss loving my job. I miss being excited for work.

I miss boneless buffalo wings from Applebees with Danita. I miss Supernatural marathons with Jess. I miss shopping trips with Katie. I miss "musliming" with Megan. I miss staying up all night with Morgan. I miss cruising the 'vard with Amy. I miss driving expensive foreign cars with Ken. I miss hiking with Skip.

When did my life become so boring? I used to have so much fun.

Nostalgia: a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

Yeah. I'm there.

"All I know is that you're so nice"

<----I got a hair cut today

I wish I could figure out things I don't understand.

Several times this week I've found myself in situations where I don't understand what's going on or why something just happened.

Sometimes I wish there was a pilot whose job it was to fly into the air toting a banner behind his plane that had answers for me. Just a little explanation for me during those times when I'm completely baffled by my situation.

Even better yet! How about he has a sidekick (not the phone, but the super hero assistant), and it's this sidekick's sole purpose to come up with a plan on how to handle these situations. The pilot's name would be Explanatory Man. His sidekick's name would be Little Buddie. Wait..I'll do you one better...

So, what if Explanatory Man and Little Buddie teamed up with a wizard named Froderick Moonstone who had the power to make the situation go exactly the way Little Buddie planned it to!?

So there I'd be with my super team. They'd make my life so much easier. There'd be hardly any confusion or awkward situations.

I find that my days lately are full of confusion, and I'm just trying to figure out what direction to go. I've been on this crazy roller coaster just about every day, and all the ups and downs are making me sick!! I'd prefer a little less instability, and maybe a generous helping of perspective. But all in all...

...I'm happy.

"You're the one who said you'd never leave."

I feel like I have a lot to talk about, and that maybe I just don't know where/how to start...
There are people that come into our lives that are just normal people. Every once in a while though a person or two will enter your life who is extraordinary.
In the past year I have been lucky enough to make friendships with a few of these people. Sometimes we never really know what kind of impact we've made on another person's life until they tell us. The smallest things can make such a difference in the lives of others.
I wonder what kind of affect I have on the lives around me.
I hope I'm the kind of friend that my friends need me to be. I hope that I can offer them something in their lives that no one else can. Is it selfish to want to be a great friend?
One of my friends that I've known since we were babies is coming home soon. He's been serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for the past two years. Before he left we didn't really talk. That's weird because when we were little we spent a lot of time together. I'm really excited for him to come home.
What are the rules of friendship?
I mean obviously there's the "do unto others..." rule.
I just kind of wonder if there's more to it.

"And those greens and those blues seem too perfect to be true."

Sometimes people make stupid decisions. I am one of those people...
and have...
on occasion, made a stupid decision.
With that said I'd like to say I am so grateful for forgiveness.
So anyway!
I really like smiles. I've decided that's my thing. Every person has a "type." At work today I was trying to figure out what mine was, but I came up with nothing. The guys I've dated have been so different from one another that it was difficult to find the link.
BUT
...it did come to me. That link? Smiles. I LOVE a guy with a gorgeous smile. That's what reels me in. You flash those pearly whites at me and I'm a goner!
A thought just came to me...
Another thing I really like: legs.
I don't know if this is Valerie, Certified Fitness Trainer talking or what, but I have to say I like a man with good gams. Soccer players tend to have the BEST legs. <-- That may not be based on fact whatsoever, but trust me...the next time you see David Beckham or Robbie Rogers, check out their calves....mmmmmm.
I hope you enjoyed this peek into what Valerie finds attractive in a man.
*side note: If you're a boy and you read this and start whitening your teeth or exercising your legs to get me to notice you, don't waste your time...I'm going on a mission ;)
**side note #2: I'm a little delusional.

"I try so hard not to show this side of me"

Hey hey hey!
What's goin on blogettes!?
So I'd like to use my blog as a platform to make a plea for help. If anyone that reads this knows a doctor that can give me a physical for my paperwork sooner than September 29th let me know please! Aside from that I've got some bloggin to do!
Heroes:
Not the television show, but real live ones. I have a few that I'd like to talk about today.
My heroes are regular everyday people. To the casual viewer there's nothing outstanding about any of these people, but to me they're amazing. From constant comfort and advice to being great examples of the person I'm trying to become these people inspire me on a daily basis. I learn so much from my heroes. Each one can be considered a powerhouse in their own respect. They've helped to inspire some of the best decisions I've ever made.
Who are the heroes in your lives?? Do they know it? Do you give them the recognition they deserve?
*side note* I was just called a sky scraper...
My challenge to those who read my blog is this:
Pick someone who is a hero in your life. Write them a song. It doesn't have to be good, but you do need to write them a song.
It'll be so cool! ;)

"Sing me something soft, sad and elegant."

I'd like to being today with an apology. Last week I ended my post with "XOXO Gossip Girl"
What I failed to realize is a couple months ago a dear friend of mine used that sign-off in a blog of her own. Please forgive me.
But I've got a lot of thoughts today so let's do this:
First of all I'd like to explain how grateful I am for families. My friend's family is in town this week from New York. They are wonderful. They came to church today even though they aren't Mormon, and one of them even spoke in Fast and Testimony Meeting. Why did they do this? Because they're a family, and they knew that this church is important for my friend.
My family has been super supportive lately. As you all know by now I am working on going on a mission. My family has been so fabulous in supporting that and helping me to accomplish it. I'm glad that I have a family that can encourage and enable me to go.
Moving right along...
I recently "broke up" with my significant other. For all of those who have been following our story I believe this is for the last time. We've been fighting what we know is right for a while. While I was dating this person it became increasingly difficult for me to focus on my mission. We were both filled with feelings that it wasn't right for us to date, but we both kept fighting these feelings. Well we finally decided to end it. (Fo'real this time.) The thing is...ever since we did this I've been filled with different feelings. Feelings of peace and happiness. I've been able to feel the spirit a lot better also. If it wasn't right I don't think I'd be feeling like this. Yes, it was very tough for us to come to this conclusion, but sometimes the right things are the hardest things.
Doing them is what makes them worth it.
NEXT!
Lately I've been feeling strange. My emotions have been a little wacky lately. I get really upset about little things, and I've been feeling super attached to unimportant matters. I think the reason behind this is it's the adversary playing on my emotions. He knows I want to do this great thing. He doesn't want me to do it. I've been feeling pulled and stretched and I'm trying to understand the greater purpose in the things I do. My bishop told me that before I left for my mission that things were going to get tough. I feel that this is only the beginning, but I'm grateful that I'm recognizing it now so I can better prepare myself for what's to come.
I've made a lot of new friends lately. This is weird for me because when I moved back from Utah I became very introverted and reclusive. I have to say that I like it. It fills me with so much happiness and reassurance. These people are great, and I know they want only the best for me.
One last thought to end the post:
I've been studying the Bible with my older sister lately. As she and I were studying last week I made a statement about faith that I'd like to share.
It goes: We don't serve the Lord to prove to Him that we have faith. We serve because when we have faith it's something we desire to do naturally.
Have a wonderful day my faithful readers!

"How could you know that I don't feel right?"

Well Hello Bloggers!
It's been a while. I'd like to start by saying that Danita Williams needs to write in her blog. WRITE IN YOUR BLOG WOMAN!
Now that I've gotten that out of the way I shall proceed:
So I've been working on my mission paperwork. I'd like to leave sometime this fall, but it's turning out to take a little longer than I was thinking it would. I guess that's one of the trials of my faith that comes before the miracle. ;)
My testimony has grown so much lately, and I'd like to share a thought with all of you that I had recently during relief society.
We were talking about doing temple work. Often times we automatically think about baptisms/confirmations when we talk about temple work.
But this was my thought:
Can you imagine finding that one person that you would give anything to be with? Can you imagine having all your dreams come true as he gets down on his knee, and asks you to be his companion for this life? Now imagine he goes on a trip to another country, and something happens where he can't come home. Every possible mode of transportation is cut off. He's completely isolated from you. But this is the person you want to spend forever with!
Which leads me again to my thought:
How amazing must it be for those people waiting on the other side to finally be sealed to that person that they've been cut off from!? To be reunited with the promise that you can spend forever together...gosh, I can't think of anything better :)
And that's why I love this gospel. That's why I'm serving a mission. Because it gives me hope for eternal family, purpose in what I do, and answers to all my questions.
Alma 29:1-9
I LOVE this gospel and the peace and happiness it's brought to my life. I couldn't ask for a better gift.
Well that about wraps it up for tonight!
XOXO
-Gossip Girl

"The way black is black and blue is just blue"

Hey Comrades!

Sorry it's been a bit since my last blog-activity. I find myself busy and lacking extra time. As some of you know these past two months have been interesting for me as far as my love life. I've struggled with a certain someone for a little while, but you will be pleased to hear it's all been put to rest. A really important person in my life once told me that I have a lot of potential, and that I should never settle for anything that makes me feel like I deserve less than I do. That being said, things are over.

Moving on to much more important topics:

I've been toying with an interesting idea lately. I say it's interesting because it is. It's just that; interesting. I want to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's a tiny bit difficult for me since I am divorced, but it's been known to happen before. These past few months my testimony has grown leaps and bounds, and I find myself bursting at the seams to share it all with the world. It's definitely something I'm going to look into.

Another topic:

I find that sometimes I'm surprised by things I do. I wonder if I really know myself very well. People are interesting creatures in that often times we act and react to things involuntarily. When we go through a break up we may try to make ourselves feel better by seeking attention. When we're hurting we may put on a front and pretend that everything is okay. When we're feeling insecure we may lash out at people around us to overcompensate for our feelings of inadequacy. Why do we do these things? Do they ever really make us feel better? No.

Lately when I find myself heading for situations like these the best course is to drop to my knees and thank the Lord for every great thing in my life. Instead of noticing what I'm without I spend time thanking the One that gave me what I have.

I'm so amazed at how much I need the Savior in my life. We all ask for help day after day, and He always gives us what we need. He asks for so little in return. I'm truly so thankful for my personal, individual blessings.

As a side note:

I went to a Q&A panel this past week. The panelists were three Mormons and two Muslims. I was shocked to find that our two religions are so similar. I think it's wonderful when, as children of God, we can get together and share our beliefs. It's great to be educated about something that is so innately important to other people. I expect people to sit and listen about what I believe, but how often do I listen to what others believe? It was a beautiful experience, and I'd love to continue to learn more. I learned a lot more about my religion that day as well...sometimes I think that from listening to others' beliefs...it puts into sharp focus things that we may not have noticed about our own. It was truly spectacular.

So boys and girls:

Another day, another blog. Thank you for reading. I love you all.

"All the matter in the world knows how much I like you."

The State of the Valerie Address:
My fellow Americans,
Things for Valerie have been going spectacularly. Not only did she finally get her new social security card, but she also refinanced her car loan. She's got a brand spankin new interest rate and differed payments for six months! (Money in the bank!) She received not one, but TWO callings at church yesterday and will be set apart next week. Her dad got a new job that's even closer to home. This also means she won't have to move to Mississippi. Her best friend is dating a guy that just might be good enough for her. She's got a special someone in her life that treats her the way she should be treated. About a month ago she got a raise at work, and is on the right track to get more rewards. On Saturday evening she went to the circus with a few friends and loved every second of it. (Except for when Kat threw her spoon covered in snow cone at me...) She has plans next month to go on a big trip to Nauvoo which really excites her since she's never been before.
Basically all you Valerie followers out there, things are going good for our fair heroine. ;)

"You don't know, but that's okay."

My head, right behind my eye balls, hurts. Ow.
My belly is really full too.

"I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset."

I'm not really sure where to begin today...
Sunday was a great day. However, along with all the wonderful things that happened that day came a bit of unwanted news. It was definitely something I didn't want to hear, and didn't think I'd have to for a while. I'm not really dealing with it all that well. I'm left confused and feeling a little empty. I'm exhausted from putting up a happy front. The past three days I've acted like it's all okay. I don't want people to see that I'm really upset about it, but I'm not sure why. So here I am. Wednesday afternoon eating cold Chinese food, typing in my blog, and thinking about plans for salsa dancing lessons that might not happen. Saturday is looming on the horizon. I don't know how I'll handle Saturday. I will say though that I don't know where I'd be without two crucial things. The first: My Friends. There were several people that I talked to immediately following this bad news. They were all spectacular. One in particular was especially great at making me laugh. Thanks, D. It's so good to know that when I need them most my friends come through with flying colors. The other person that really helped me through the first little while was of course the Lord. It's also of great comfort to me to know that no matter my problem if I get on my knees and pray that all my emptiness will be filled with a warm reassurance that someone loves me no matter what.
So basically the topic of my blog today is that I don't know how to express what I'm feeling. Part of me wants "it" back. Another part knows that I don't need "it" to be happy.
Then there's Saturday...
Oh Saturday.
Maybe if I go out into my yard and sing about rainbows my house will be picked up by a twister...hopefully I'll end up in a magical technicolor world where all I have to worry about is witches and trees that throw apples. I think I could handle that...

"Your hair was long when we first met."

So a few of you have seen this blog coming for quite sometime.
There's this guy :)
He is truly amazing. Over the past little while our relationship has really grown. We talk every night. I don't really know what to say. He loves me and I feel the same way. He knows all of my faults and my mistakes. And still He loves me. I've told Him everything and He listens to it all. When I'm sad or lonely He's right there comforting me. He wraps his loving arms around me and let's me know that it's all okay. We've known each other for a long time, but we haven't really been this close before. I've experienced more love from Him than anyone I've ever known. He's given me some of the most amazing things. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without Him.
If you're wondering who this amazing man is...It's my Father in Heaven.
And we all have the opportunity to have a relationship with Him as long as we act on it. He's waiting to be there for us. All we have to do is give Him that chance to be in our lives.

"One of these mornings you're gona rise up singing"

You get two today ;)

I had yet another profound conversation with a good friend today. The part from this conversation I'd like to talk about is: I think I need to figure out how to make where I am good.

He told me that he's contemplating moving out of state to go to another school. He mentioned that he ended up here in Ohio because he didn't really know what else to do. He said that he feels like there are things missing here that he might have if he were somewhere else.

I think at one point in everyone's lives we all feel this way. For me it was right after I moved back from Utah. It's the whole "grass is greener" idea, but I think at some point you have to realize that anywhere you go is going to be missing something from where you've been.

I think happiness is what you make it...not where you're at. I think where you're at can play a big role in your happiness, but when it comes down to it we all have the potential to be perfectly happy anywhere we are. It's a matter of taking your lemons and making some lemonade.

I feel like this post has become riddled with cliches.

Another mistake that I think Christians in particular make is they assume that when they aren't happy it must be because they aren't doing what they're "supposed to be doing." Again, I firmly believe that our happiness is dependent on our making it. As people we get stir crazy thinking, "man, things just aren't going the way I wish they would for me here. I bet if I move there and start over everything will work itself out." What we often times come to find out is that things were better before we moved away and tried to make things better with a change of scenery. We're then haunted by all the things we had and what we're missing. Eventually some of us move back in an attempt to reclaim everything we've lost.

On the other hand sometimes a change of location is exactly what we need to get our lives straightened out. I have several very good friends whose lives benefited from moving and starting over. Sometimes things can get so beyond repair that you have to just start from scratch.

The important thing to remember is that what it ultimately comes down to is what is going to be right for you in the end. If you do decide that moving is the right answer you have to be prepared for the fact that after all is said and done it may have been a mistake. You have to be ready to accept defeat and in most cases go back to where you started from and try again. The idea of moving and trying something new is a cruel mistress. :) It can't be entered into lightly, and before deciding upon it I think it's important to figure out if you can't make the right here and right now pretty fantastic.

"Waiting for the rain to stop...destination's beautiful."

So I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't think anyone had really noticed...and yet I have a fan!! :D
(I love ya, D!)
So yesterday was Fast and Testimony Meeting. For those who don't know it's usually the first Sunday of the month, and during our Sacrament Meeting the members are invited to stand at the pulpit and speak about what they believe in. It's a really great way to build each other up as children of God.
As some of you know I'm not a very shy person. However, when it comes to public speaking and hearing my voice amplified...I'm a huge chicken. Saturday night I kind of decided that I was going to try and do the testimony thing the next day. So I'm sitting in church and there was this huge gap between people...no one would get up and give me a chance to say, "Ok...after this person I'll go." So here I am having this inner struggle about getting up to speak and finally someone got up. As I'm listening to this testimony I decide to say a little prayer to be able to go up and speak without passing out. Then suddenly I was on my feet and walking towards the front of the room...then the other girl was finished with her testimony and there I was. I looked down and there was a big black microphone staring at me. I looked forward and realized that there were a TON of people at church! Dang. So I open my mouth and say my part. It wasn't very big...just a little blurb about saying prayers, and how I know that they'll be answered if you have real intent.
The best part was when I sat back down in my seat after I was done. I felt this calming assurance wash over me. I smiled because I knew that the Lord had answered my prayer about being able to speak in front of everyone (about prayer ironically) without losing it.
On a more personal note: Oh dang!!!!! D....I can't even begin to explain how great it is :)

"The waiting is the hardest part."

So I was listening to a song last night that took me on a walk down memory lane. I sent a link to my friend so they could listen to it too. He laughed and told me the song* was ridiculous, and the singer even more "goofy." I then continued to explain the reason why I love the song. The memories of hanging out with my mom during the day when my older sister was at school. Dancing and singing this song at the tops of our lungs. Getting out the mini trampoline and dancing on that so I could try to be as tall as my mom. Good times!

I had a completely separate conversation with another friend about something similar. We spoke about our favorite smells. The reason we love these smells is because each one invokes a different good memory. For him it was the smell of leather in his car, pine trees around Christmas time, and airplane fuel. These all brought back good memories: when he bought his car, times with family, and his passion for flying airplanes (respectively). Mine also brought back memories. Kool-aid - those hot childhood summer days playing in the front yard with my friends and Mom bringing us refreshment, Sam's paws - the day I brought her home from the pound, and sauteed garlic and onions - my cooking classes back in high school.

So basically what I'm getting at here is this: take time to make memories. If something is "good" savor it. Take time to be excellent, extreme, and infinite. Break the rules now and then. Make friends that go out of their way to be ridiculous! Just because life is hard (as it is for most people) doesn't mean that it has to be all the time...when those moments happen grab onto them and don't let them go. Sometimes when things are hardest we can make things easier on ourselves by remembering simpler days.

Enjoy the now for later.

*Incidentally, the song I was listening to is found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anCg5EiB2AM

"That kind of love was the killin kind."

I don't know if it's because I dream of grandeur, or if I'm delusional from watching too much Grey's Anatomy......
but I want to be a Doctor.

"And it's never felt like this before. It's never felt like home."

So as you may have read in my last blog my mind has been busy lately. I've decided to make some really important changes in my life, and I'm super excited about them. They are as follows:
1. Growing my hair out long. Upon first glance you may ask yourself, "Why is this an important change?" Well, if you don't already know I have never had long hair. When my hair gets to be about as long as my chin I get pretty nervous and cut it all off. Not this time though. I think I need to do this in order to strengthen my resolve in setting goals.
2. I'm going back to school. This one is pretty obvious about why it's important. I was watching a TV show about doctors the other day, and I realized that they had a pretty important job. Doctors, that is...not actors. On a daily basis they're working to save lives. About the most important thing I do in my profession is make management look good so they can get their bonuses. Lame. So I'm going back to school. My goal is to have enough money by Spring of 2010 to go back. I'm still toying with what I want to do from E.S.L. teacher to nurse practitioner. There's a whole slew of options I'm considering, but that's the best part...that I have options. :)
3. I'm taking a time-out on dating. I've always been pretty straight forward and aggressive when it came to dating. However, I'm taking a new approach. No dating. None. If a guy asks me on a date I'll say yes, but as far as being serious with anyone...I just don't think I'm ready for multiple reasons. It's time to become comfortable being with me, and when I can achieve that, then I can work on becoming comfortable with someone else.
-Also-
Whilst I was doing all of this thinking I figured something out.
In a good relationship there's a distinct difference between love and commitment. What is love? (Baby don't hurt me) Love is ignoring faults. Love is passion. Love is difficult. Love is a feeling; an emotion. Love comes from being "in love." Love is understanding someone for who they are, and accepting that they aren't perfect. Love is the thing in relationships that lasts long after you've discovered the other person's dirt. Can we have love without commitment? What is commitment? Commitment is honesty. Commitment is trust. Commitment is honoring and respecting someone beyond yourself. See the thing is...I think you can be "in love" without commitment. And I think you can be committed to someone that you don't love. But to truly love someone...like the capital L kind of Love...I think total commitment is required. If you don't have that, then how can you say you really love someone?
This all made a lot more sense in my head, and as I'm writing it now I find that I'm not saying what I want to say...but oh well.

"You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe"

My thoughts are all jumbly tonight. I'm going to share what that's like with you:

Secondhand Serenade songs keep getting stuck in my head,

Don't forget your bill,

Gotta fix my phone problem,

Plan movie night,
Dinner on the 30th at the Hartzell's,

Riding with Kimmy on Sunday,

Work at 5 tomorrow,

Talk to Alan,

Work on resume,

Get computer fixed,

Another Secondhand Serenade song,

Save money for gas,

Look into hotel prices for Virginia Beach,

Pay sister,

What did he mean when he said that!?,

Say your prayers before bed,

Why isn't he online?? I need to get this figured out,

Work at 9 on Thursday,

Ask Erica how dentist went,

Research carcinoid cancer,

Yet another Secondhand Serenade song,

What is he thinking!?,

Text Morgan,

FOOOOOOOOOOOD.

:) wasn't that fun!?

"You've got me standing in an awkward position with unwanted attention"

Today is a good day! :)
Ju wana know how come?
I'll tell you!
The sun is shining. It's so warm and sunny. It really puts me in a good mood! But that's not all...
I was talking to someone that I know from church who has an unfortunate illness. She's doing okay, but things are tough for her. She's a single mother of a twelve year old boy. For as long as I've known this woman I've had super respect for her. She's a power house! She's done very well in raising her son on her own, and just impresses me more each time I talk to her. Since she is very sick she's out of work, and I imagine her Dr. bills are astronomical. This presents a problem as it is baseball season and her son needs new equipment. She doesn't have tons of money and was worried about paying for it all. By some act of divine inspiration I jumped in my car and scooted over to Dick's Sporting Goods. I grabbed the store manager and asked him if there was anything we could do. To my great delight he told me that we could help her out! I returned home quickly to tell her the news. She was so grateful and so happy. My heart is SO full of joy today because I'm able to help this family out. I'm so excited to see her son's face when he gets his brand new baseball gear for free!!! What a wonderful blessing!
I'm really beginning to understand that "when you are in the service of your fellow being you are in the service of your God."
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!!!!
I got my car back today as well! It doesn't look like anything happened to it! What great work. Plus!!! I didn't have to pay for any of the repair. My dad found this wonderful guy that didn't charge US a penny (he only accepted the insurance company's money).
Man oh man! Things may be tough right now, but put your faith in the Lord and he ALWAYS comes through!!! :D

"Go on ahead and let it fade away."

I have some interesting thoughts tonight.

Excited? :)

I saw just about the most disturbing commercial on t.v. a few moments ago. I won't divulge too many details because I don't believe it deserves promotion of any kind. To put it simply it was an ad for a website where you can find people in your area to date. However, this isn't your every day e.harmony business....oh no. It's for married people who want to have an affair. How disgusting! Am I the only one that's appalled at how the world has become so disgraceful!? Upon further investigation I found that this website is endorsed not only by Dr. Phil, but also Tyra Banks and the all-powerful Oprah Winfrey. The slogan at the end of the commercial is, "when divorce isn't an option."

It definitely begs the question: "What is happening to the world?" Among other thoughts. What an awful shame.

My other locomotion of mind commotion tonight is a little lighter. I witnessed crime tonight. Oh yeah.

A group of friends and I had just frequented the local United Dairy Farmers for ice cream and other treats. Upon our loitering just outside the doors a man burst from inside the establishment with a couple cases of beer tucked under his arm. He quickly sprinted around us, and dove into a car parked around the corner. However, hot on his trail was a very large, angry employee of U.D.F. This dedicated counter clerk proceeded to jump on top of the "get-away car," and he remained on said car until it drove away subsequently knocking him off. The dejected man rose to his feet and head hanging, returned to his position.

Meanwhile, my group of friends and I are still staring, with mouths open in astonishment at the occurrence happening all around us. After the scene unfolded before our eyes we all took a moment to joke about what we could have done to help out the counter clerk, and how we could have possibly stopped the malfeasance.

It was definitely an entertaining situation, and we now all have a special admiration for a certain stalwart cashier.

Let my blog be posted with a note of warning though, kiddies.

Stealing is bad. It is not a joke and should never be taken lightly. As the Good Lord once said, "Thou shalt not steal." So while my comrades and I got a kick out of tonight's events...remember...Thou shalt not...

"What I've done cannot be repeated"

tres tres interesante
Do you ever get the feeling that sometimes you make your life more difficult than it needs to be? :) I definitely do that from time to time. I've decided that I'm wound pretty tight lately, and I'm going to use this month to just relax. Let the good times roll.

"The change you'd bring means nothing else will be the same"

HOOBOY! What an evening! Last night was one of the most interesting nights I've had in a good long while :). Went on an AMAZA-ZA-ZING date with an outstanding young man. Had a picnic, watched some movies....oh yeah and I hit a deer with my car. :( (that part was kinda stinky!)

But it's all okay. The deer lives to be hit another day, and my car...well my car is a little worse for wear, but we're all alive and doing just fine.

But man...what an interesting situation.

I won't go into detail, but I'm not giving up without a fight. It's too good to give up, and this time I want to make sure I do everything in my power to make it work. :)

What an evening.

"And I don't usually notice peoples' eyes...but"

First of all I would just like to point out that my opinion on donuts held up. Even through a rigorous, blind taste test. So way to go Timmy Ho's...your donuts reign supreme.

Anyway I'm leaving for Utah in about two weeks. That's just spectacular. I know a few of you are a little confused right now. You may be asking yourself, "...but Valerie, didn't you say in a previous blog that you aboslutely hate Utah?"

Yes. I did say that I hate Utah. The reason? I hate Utah. However, some of my best friends still live there, and even though they have poor taste in states I still miss them.

Which is why I'm sooooo stoked! :) Plus, we're going to Vegas for a few days, and that's just about the best thing ya ever heard; most excitin' anyway!! (name that movie).

"There's a lot to learn about Joan."

I have a friend. You aren't supposed to be shocked by that statement. This friend thinks that I have poor taste in donuts. So he thinks that he's going to school me on the fine art of donut selection. Little does he know that I don't even like donuts. I spent a good portion of my childhood getting very upset with boxes of donuts. In fact, when I was in high school i wrote a song about my dislike of donuts appropriately entitled "The Donut Song," and performed it at an open mic night. Needless to say it was quite a hit among my friends at Gahanna Lincoln High School.
I let his condescension slide as he signed off facebook chat today, but only to let him feel like he knows what he's talking about because I'm a humanitarian.
It wasn't until I went to Canada for vacation with my family in 1994 that I had a donut I liked. The only problem was these donuts were only sold in Canada. What donuts were they? Tim Hortons. Oh man. I have yet to eat a donut from Tim Hortons that I haven't liked.
The thing is, I almost feel sorry for my friend because his efforts are going to prove fruitless. When they finally brought Tim Hortons to Ohio (and down the street I might add) my life became complete. To prove that Tim Hortons is the best place to get donuts let's look at a small, simple fact.
Utah has yet to get a Tim Hortons. Do you know why that is? Because Utah is the worst state in the Continental United States (obviously Alaska is the worst state, but we'll leave it alone for this post). We all know how much I hate Utah, and Utah's idea of a delicious donut is the vomit-inducing Dunkin Donuts. It's true, the entire time I lived in Utah I didn't eat a donut.
When I asked a spokesman from Tim Hortons why Utah is without their delicious donut chain his response was this: "Utah is dumb."
Well put anonymous spokesman from Tim Hortons that I probably made up.
So to make a long story a little less long, bring it on Chris Sorenson. Do your worst.

*edit*
Due to overwhelming demand, here are the song lyrics for "The Donut Song"
The Donut Song By: Valerie Mizer
*Based on actual events

Sitting in my hotel room, there wasn't much for me to do,
I heard a rumble in my gut, I was craving a donut.
I got into my car and drove, could only think of donut dough,
Into the store I bought the stuff, I sure hope that I got enough.
Sitting in my room again, I opened up the box of 10,
I tried to choose which one to eat, the sprinkled one's the one for me.
I picked it up, I took a bite, something about it wasn't right,
I put it down and chose this time a cream filled one, my favorite kind.
That one tasted funny too, the baker there, he must be new,
Donuts suck, I'm sure of it. Now how can I dispose of this?
The hotel room it had a ledge, a balcony, so on the edge,
I brought the donuts that I bought, I planned to throw the whole dang box.
Arrested by the cops again, I guess that it's illegal when,
you throw your doughnuts off a ledge, it hit somebody on the head.
Some idiot just standing there, when he could be standing anywhere,
who knows what he was doing there, he now has sprinkles in his hair.
Sitting in my prison cell, my cell mate's name is Jezebell,
he asked me what I'm in here for,
Throwing my Donuts off the Seventh Floor.

"If I kiss you where it's sore will you feel better?"

I learned something important tonight.
Tonight sucked.
That's not what I learned.
For months now I've been so proud of the fact that I'm becoming more and more independent. What I found out tonight is I'm not half as independent as I should be.
I mean, I pay my bills. I have my own phone, car, blah blah blah...all the things that make me superficially independent, but when it comes down to it my independence is so transparent.
I rely so much on other people for my happiness. I don't know why I do it, but I do.
I'm making a really tough move into going to the singles ward full time at church. For those who don't know the singles ward is where all of the unmarried college age people go in an attempt to marry us off.
This is really hard for me. I don't know many people there. The ones I do know don't really like me all that well, and I'm not the best at making friends anymore.
I've gotten to a point where I have a solid group of friends that I just love. They make me very happy. As most of you know I have issues with trusting new people. Whether or not I'm justified in my being suspicious of people's actions isn't the point.
My biggest hurdle to try to get over is the "D word."
Not many people at the singles ward know my secret. I would say a good handful do, but as for the general populous...they're kind of in the dark. Not because I'm keeping it a secret. I just don't go around proclaiming it to the world. I figure it's one of those "need to know basis" kind of things.
But really, how many 21 year old divorced girls are there at the singles ward?
And why do I let it make me so vulnerable?
A boy was mean to me tonight. This boy has been mean to me since I was fourteen. I have no idea why. He just doesn't like me.
He said a few things to me tonight that hurt my feelings, and I took it really personal. The thing that hurt the most was seeing my best friend (pay attention! this is one of those people that I'm talking about relying on too heavily for my happiness) laugh along with him.
She didn't come to my rescue.
I got really bitter about the whole thing.
As I fumed over this for the past couple hours I realized something. Why didn't I laugh along? It was just a joke at my expense. Why was I waiting for my friend to back me up? Why was it her responsibility to make this bad situation turn into a happy one?
So this is my conclusion: I'm an adult and I don't need anyone to hold my hand through tough times. Yes, I've gone through some really hard things pretty recently, but isn't it time to let go? Isn't it time to bear the world on my shoulders again instead of sharing it with people around me? So from here on out...I'm going to man-up, soldier on, and all those other Sylvester Stallone inspired phrases.
Side note: why do they call him Sly? It's spelled S-y-l...oh well.
Time to make my own happiness!

"I know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends"

I hate boys.

I hate boys that live hundreds of miles away. I hate boys in different time zones. I hate boys that withhold important information until really inopportune moments. I hate boys that drink and smoke. I hate boys that are virtually unattainable. I hate boys that gloat. I hate boys who are famous. I hate boys that sing duets with girls in movies. I hate boys who are needy. I hate boys that are busy. I hate boys that are afraid of commitment. I hate boys that don't exercise and brag about it. I hate boys that have an enormous ego. I hate boys that don't like me. I hate boys that like me. I hate boys that confuse and tease for fun. I hate boys that leave girls. I hate boys that aren't older than me. I hate boys that are shorter than me. I hate boys that love too much. I hate boys that look at other girls when I'm around. I hate boys that hate other boys. I hate boys that don't maintain personal hygiene. I hate boys that expect me to shave my legs every day. I hate boys that take advantage. Boys are dumb. They hurt peoples' feelings.

I hate boys. End of story.

"I know a short-cut along the stone wall, where evergreen soldiers point their branches..."

It's the downhill side of 2 a.m.
What am I doing up?
Nothing. :) Nada.
Can't sleep.
So here I am. Pecking away at these keys.
What do I have to say?
Nothing. :) Nada.
My brain is already asleep, I think.
The rest of me just needs to catch up.
I did it to myself, though.
I can't stop thinking about this trip to Utah.
It's exciting and probably ill-timed.
I guess the World Cup qualifying match tomorrow between U.S. and Mexico will be exciting.
I hope we win.
I might watch it with Brent.
He likes soccer.
My tummy is upset.
Did you enjoy this post?

"This is my face covered in freckles"

I went to get my paycheck today. I want to discuss an interesting topic...

I recently got a promotion with which a considerable pay raise is expected. Well, as Dick's Sporting Goods likes to do, I got screwed. I didn't get my raise. :( Needless to say I was upset. Since I didn't get my raise I can't afford to pay some of my bills this month. So I went to go talk to my manager...who was conveniently shut away in his office in an "interview."

So I see my favorite manager Brad Little. This guy is seriously the best. I stop in to say and ask him to let Alan know I needed to talk. He says, "What's wrong sweet pea? You look upset."

And I lose it right there. I just start crying about how I only get 5 hours a week, and without my raise I can't afford life on that few hours.

How can someone as inconsequential as a manager (that doesn't even cover my department) reduce me to a miserable shell of my bright, bubbly self?

The answer: Because he cares.

And it all came out. Everything. I can't afford my bills, my dad is losing his job, my mom has to have surgery, my dog is dying, my heart has been acting up...and all I want is more hours and the raise I was promised.

Brad just sat and listened to my problems patiently. That's all. I wasn't looking for any kind of answer just someone to pretend they cared for a moment. I'm sure Brad has problems of his own, and they're probably bigger than mine. But for that moment he cared.

After I was done he says to me, "I'll look into your raise for you. Would you like that?"

Ugh, he's the best.

Granted he'll probably get very busy and forget to ask, but the fact that he was willing to be there for me when I needed it was enough for me.

So good news faithful blog followers! The recent barrage of depressing posts is coming to an end. I just needed a good cry/get everything off my chest session and I'm good as new!

To those who have tried the past couple days to get me to open up (you know who you are) it's not that I didn't want to talk to you...I just wasn't ready until today. I had to get to the breaking point, and Brad was the one that just happened to be around for it.

"She greets the day with her hair wet, and asks them to vacate the building..."

Ok this one's gotta be quick.
Just have to get it out of my system.
I really need my best friend right now. I love her more than anything. She's the best at getting me through tough times, but right now all she can talk about is how much she misses Cameron. There's so much that I need to tell her. I need her to understand and sympathize with me. Just for a few seconds...just to get it all off my chest so I can move on. What happened to her? Where did she go? I'm slowly being replaced in her life...she's even found someone else to watch zombie movies with. That's something she does with me.
Sigh.

"There is nothing for me but to love you"

So I've found lately that I've been more than eager to dole out advice to people...but rarely listen to what I'm saying. I feel like maybe I've been alienating friends and family because I can be...what's the word? A jerk. I consider myself an outspoken person and I'm not afraid to say much. However, I rarely concern myself with what it is I'm really saying. Who do I hurt with the things I say? Are the consequences of what I'm saying potentially harmful?
I have a thought on where it's all come from. About 6 months ago I went out of my way to be extra nice to everyone around me. I was upbeat and cheerful all the time. No matter what situation I ran into I saw the "silver lining." I believe I got to the point where I was being insincere to myself and those around me. I was pretending that I wasn't hurting or frustrated.
I need to somehow find a balance between embracing my pain and lashing out, and being sickeningly happy about everything.
So here's my goal: I'm going to try to be honest with my feelings when things happen; yet at the same time make sure I'm not being tactless and harsh to those around me.
I think at first it's going to be difficult because it's not natural. The natural way to deal with things for humans is to either act on the first impulse on how they feel about something, or push it down and pretend like everything is okay. I think this is a good goal for me because it'll seriously change the way I am to everyone near and dear. ;)
**Disclaimer**
If you notice that things aren't working out the way I plan them to (I plan for the world to come together in a beautiful harmony...or at least improve my snarky attitude) PLEASE let me know. remind me of this blog, and say something really douche-y like, "Valerie, I thought you said you weren't going to be a jerk anymore?" I could probably use a shot of humility to the face...or five

"How can I explain that you did everything the right way?"

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about really important matters. Example: I feel like my life is split in two. Part of me LOVES Ohio! I adore it. My family, friends, the weather...Ohio has it all. I grew up here. Ohio has seen some truly massive moments of my life...however...there is a BIG big part of my heart that's left in Utah. Oh Utah. The mountains, my old roommies (most of them anyway), the places...Utah has it all.

Another big topic I've been thinking about is how far I've come in the past year. So much has happened to me since last January. It's crazy how fast time goes...especially when there's a lot going on. I'm just so thankful for all the support and love I've gotten. :) I know I say it a lot, but thanks to all my friends and family. You guys are the definition of unconditional love.