"There's a lot to learn about Joan."

I have a friend. You aren't supposed to be shocked by that statement. This friend thinks that I have poor taste in donuts. So he thinks that he's going to school me on the fine art of donut selection. Little does he know that I don't even like donuts. I spent a good portion of my childhood getting very upset with boxes of donuts. In fact, when I was in high school i wrote a song about my dislike of donuts appropriately entitled "The Donut Song," and performed it at an open mic night. Needless to say it was quite a hit among my friends at Gahanna Lincoln High School.
I let his condescension slide as he signed off facebook chat today, but only to let him feel like he knows what he's talking about because I'm a humanitarian.
It wasn't until I went to Canada for vacation with my family in 1994 that I had a donut I liked. The only problem was these donuts were only sold in Canada. What donuts were they? Tim Hortons. Oh man. I have yet to eat a donut from Tim Hortons that I haven't liked.
The thing is, I almost feel sorry for my friend because his efforts are going to prove fruitless. When they finally brought Tim Hortons to Ohio (and down the street I might add) my life became complete. To prove that Tim Hortons is the best place to get donuts let's look at a small, simple fact.
Utah has yet to get a Tim Hortons. Do you know why that is? Because Utah is the worst state in the Continental United States (obviously Alaska is the worst state, but we'll leave it alone for this post). We all know how much I hate Utah, and Utah's idea of a delicious donut is the vomit-inducing Dunkin Donuts. It's true, the entire time I lived in Utah I didn't eat a donut.
When I asked a spokesman from Tim Hortons why Utah is without their delicious donut chain his response was this: "Utah is dumb."
Well put anonymous spokesman from Tim Hortons that I probably made up.
So to make a long story a little less long, bring it on Chris Sorenson. Do your worst.

*edit*
Due to overwhelming demand, here are the song lyrics for "The Donut Song"
The Donut Song By: Valerie Mizer
*Based on actual events

Sitting in my hotel room, there wasn't much for me to do,
I heard a rumble in my gut, I was craving a donut.
I got into my car and drove, could only think of donut dough,
Into the store I bought the stuff, I sure hope that I got enough.
Sitting in my room again, I opened up the box of 10,
I tried to choose which one to eat, the sprinkled one's the one for me.
I picked it up, I took a bite, something about it wasn't right,
I put it down and chose this time a cream filled one, my favorite kind.
That one tasted funny too, the baker there, he must be new,
Donuts suck, I'm sure of it. Now how can I dispose of this?
The hotel room it had a ledge, a balcony, so on the edge,
I brought the donuts that I bought, I planned to throw the whole dang box.
Arrested by the cops again, I guess that it's illegal when,
you throw your doughnuts off a ledge, it hit somebody on the head.
Some idiot just standing there, when he could be standing anywhere,
who knows what he was doing there, he now has sprinkles in his hair.
Sitting in my prison cell, my cell mate's name is Jezebell,
he asked me what I'm in here for,
Throwing my Donuts off the Seventh Floor.