"If I kiss you where it's sore will you feel better?"

I learned something important tonight.
Tonight sucked.
That's not what I learned.
For months now I've been so proud of the fact that I'm becoming more and more independent. What I found out tonight is I'm not half as independent as I should be.
I mean, I pay my bills. I have my own phone, car, blah blah blah...all the things that make me superficially independent, but when it comes down to it my independence is so transparent.
I rely so much on other people for my happiness. I don't know why I do it, but I do.
I'm making a really tough move into going to the singles ward full time at church. For those who don't know the singles ward is where all of the unmarried college age people go in an attempt to marry us off.
This is really hard for me. I don't know many people there. The ones I do know don't really like me all that well, and I'm not the best at making friends anymore.
I've gotten to a point where I have a solid group of friends that I just love. They make me very happy. As most of you know I have issues with trusting new people. Whether or not I'm justified in my being suspicious of people's actions isn't the point.
My biggest hurdle to try to get over is the "D word."
Not many people at the singles ward know my secret. I would say a good handful do, but as for the general populous...they're kind of in the dark. Not because I'm keeping it a secret. I just don't go around proclaiming it to the world. I figure it's one of those "need to know basis" kind of things.
But really, how many 21 year old divorced girls are there at the singles ward?
And why do I let it make me so vulnerable?
A boy was mean to me tonight. This boy has been mean to me since I was fourteen. I have no idea why. He just doesn't like me.
He said a few things to me tonight that hurt my feelings, and I took it really personal. The thing that hurt the most was seeing my best friend (pay attention! this is one of those people that I'm talking about relying on too heavily for my happiness) laugh along with him.
She didn't come to my rescue.
I got really bitter about the whole thing.
As I fumed over this for the past couple hours I realized something. Why didn't I laugh along? It was just a joke at my expense. Why was I waiting for my friend to back me up? Why was it her responsibility to make this bad situation turn into a happy one?
So this is my conclusion: I'm an adult and I don't need anyone to hold my hand through tough times. Yes, I've gone through some really hard things pretty recently, but isn't it time to let go? Isn't it time to bear the world on my shoulders again instead of sharing it with people around me? So from here on out...I'm going to man-up, soldier on, and all those other Sylvester Stallone inspired phrases.
Side note: why do they call him Sly? It's spelled S-y-l...oh well.
Time to make my own happiness!