"It would be nice to start over again."

After reading a friend's blog I had an interesting idea for a blog of my own. It ties in nicely with some other thoughts I've been having lately.
I'm a package. There are all kinds of things that make up who I am. There are exciting parts of me, and there are boring parts of me. Some of my parts are artistic and beautiful. Other parts are clumsy and awkward. There are some parts that are great at helping other people, and there are also parts who still need help themselves. There's not just one word to define who I am.
So on to my topic. Defining moments in peoples' lives happen all the time. Someone I know just dealt with a painful defining moment. Her mother passed away. I can't believe what kind of pain she must be feeling and how she's going to deal with this. The thing is, though it's not just going to go away. That's why they're called defining moments. They happen and define who we are for the rest of our lives. We don't just get over them and move on. Sometimes we learn and grow from these defining moments, and sometimes they kick our butts. This last week I dealt with one of my defining moments. I was struggling with feelings about my divorce.
Again.
However, these were different feelings. These were feelings of disappointment in myself. Wondering "what if..." and "had I just..." I realized that while I have forgiven him, I never really forgave myself. I had thought all this time that I was just angry at what had happened, but really I had these pent up feelings of frustration at how I'd handled the situation. It took me a little while to work it out, but I think I'm finally good now.
Which brings me to point B of my topic.
Since I got back into the "dating game" I've run across several young men that've had interesting reactions to the fact that I'm divorced. One was pretty recent. We weren't dating per se, however there was mutual attraction. As I said above ^^ I was having a tough time last week dealing with these residual divorce feelings, and it was too much for this individual to take. I didn't really involve him in it at all. In fact, I did all I could to leave him out of it. I only mentioned two things to him that were barely related. He then told me that while he regretted ending things before they even began, it was just too much drama. -OR- I was too much drama. At first I berated myself for bringing this down on the poor boy. Of course it was my fault, I should've left him out of it. But wait. Aren't I a package? Isn't that defining moment part of my package? It is.
Once while feeling sorry for myself after a break up a friend told me, "He wasn't good enough for you anyway (what a good friend). You need a rock star."
True story. If you aren't willing to put up with (notice I did not say like) all parts of my package, then you're not really good enough to be with me. This isn't some superiority issue. I'm not better than you by any means. I just need someone who wants to be with me all the time. Not just the times that I'm pleasant and happy. Because things aren't always going to be great. One minute everything could be perfect, and the next things could get "dramatic." How will I know you'll be ready for those times if you aren't willing to stick by me now?
Just some food for thought.

"I just want to run to you."

I had an interesting thought last night. I was at a party with some friends. One of these friends is 19, and we were all talking about what we were doing around this time when we were 19. Most people said things like their freshman year of college or starting a new job. That wasn't mine.

I'm so sorry. If I could take it all back, I would. I never meant to hurt you or cause you pain. I should've been stronger and more supportive. I'm sorry I couldn't be that person for you, but it was all so new and so soon. I'm sorry that when you needed me the most I distanced myself. I was a coward. You had to have been so alone and scared, and all I could do was worry about how it was hurting me. I didn't understand what you were going through and what's worse, I didn't try to. When things got bad and you lost hope I should've been there with hope enough for the both of us. I didn't uphold the promises I made. I wasn't strong enough for you. How could I give up so easily? How could I let it destroy what we had? You deserved more. You deserved compassion and understanding, not fear and criticism. You deserved what I just wasn't ready to give. This doesn't make it better. Nothing will. Nothing that I say now can fix it, but I want you to know that I'm sorry.

But I promise not to let it happen again. I'm prepared to take what I've learned from all of this and try again. I promise that the next time I make those promises with someone that I'll be ready to face whatever comes our way. I promise to get my priorities right. I promise to remember what happened here with us and to do better. You've made me a stronger person through this trial by fire, and I promise to show the next person how ready I am to make that commitment.

"There's a look in your eye, and I don't feel safe"

I'm writing this for you. Mostly because I think you're the only one that reads this. You're fantastic.
There are several people I'd like to talk about right now.
You're really great. I like you. Your hair is stupid, but you know that. There's something about you that makes it hard for me to stay away when that's my natural reaction.
And you. Being your friend has excited me about the gospel, and has given my testimony new life. Don't worry about the inconsequential things. Just remember that feeling you get when the Spirit is testifying about the truthfulness of the Restored Gospel.
Then there's you. Why have you hurt me so much? I trusted you more than I probably should have, and I've ended up burnt. I'm not interested in being your friend right now. I'll let you know when I'm done being so stubborn.
And of course you. I'm going to miss you so much. We haven't spent all that much time together...as it should be, but you can't leave. I understand that it's part of who you are, and that you're moving on to things more important than me. Just don't forget me.
Also, there's you. I feel like I don't know you. How can two people go from knowing everything about each other to feeling like a total stranger. You come up in my thoughts every once in a while, but when it comes down to it, I'm just over you.
Finally, let's not forget you. Yes, you. Thank you for being my friend. You are a good person, and if people would just try to get to know you better they'd see what I see.
There, are you happy now? I wrote a blog.

"I beg you. Please, stop playing games."

What's happened to me? Who am I? I don't recognize myself anymore.
I'm not the person I was.
But how do I feel about this?

"Then she goes and falls in love and throws it all away"

I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going to end up. I have a lot on my mind and a lot I want to write about.
While I'm not sure where it's going to end up, I can tell you where it's going to start.
My new job has made me anti-social. I'm not sure it's much of a problem because it's also made me more responsible. I'm working a real 9-5 job. Sure, it's really 12-830, but this is one of those jobs that could turn into a career.
Which segues beautifully into my next subject. I don't think I'm going to be around for it to turn into a career. I'm not talking about dying anytime soon (though my demise is eminent with all the people in my row being sick), but I'm moving. Things are really falling into place with this plan to move back to Utah. I don't think it's by coincidence. This does not segue into topic three.
I think I'm sabotaging myself. Since I've moved back to Ohio I've had the chance to be in some pretty legitimate relationships with some pretty exceptional gentlemen. Somehow I always manage to talk myself out of it after the first couple of weeks. This trend is getting taxing, and I'm starting to wonder if I even want a relationship at all. Part of me yearns for that special person to tell everything to and cuddle with in front of the fire (indulge your blogger and pretend I have a fireplace). However, when it comes to thinking about commitment...something just goes horribly wrong, and all these warning bells start going off in my head. This pattern again reared it's ugly head two weeks ago. I started getting close with a certain someone, and when he started talking commitment I started pushing away. I managed to blow that one. (To be fair though, he wasn't a good suitor for me.)
I really love my dog, Sam.
I often blog about things on both sides of my passion spectrum. Things I really LOVE and things I really detest. I like that I'm a passionate person. It leaves little room for a grey area.
Side note - why are there two spellings for the word grey(gray) and which one is appropriate and when?
With most things in my life it's either love or hate. I'm rarely indifferent (unless choosing a restaurant to go to...this proves to be an indecisive subject for me).
Two things I've felt passionate for in the positive light lately are:
1.) Autumn -and-
2.) The Gospel
I'll write on the latter first, which I understand isn't correct blogging etiquette, but let's face it this blog isn't the pinnacle of literary achievement.
I'm always so shocked at how little I know about both the Bible and the Book of Mormon. No matter how many lessons I stayed awake for in seminary or number of times I've read them, they still manage to surprise me. I love being challenged in my personal scripture study. I love coming up with questions, and I love finding answers to these questions even more. I haven't been as faithful at studying the teachings of the prophets and I've noticed. I'm not as happy, friendly, or filled with hope. Some prophet, whose name escapes me at this late hour, said something like, "I find that when I get casual with my relationship with Deity..." something about life becoming hard and what-not..."that if I immerse myself in the study of scripture and saying my prayers..." happiness returns? Something to that effect; you get the point. It's so true. It's the simple, basic things. It really is.
Back to my first listed passion. Autumn. Ah, it's my favorite season. The crisp chill in the air as the leaves change to brilliant shades of orange and scarlet. The smells and sights. It harbors my favorite holiday (Halloween). My birthday is during autumn.
Side note - are seasons proper nouns?
I just love it. Hot cocoa starts becoming a staple along with sweaters, jackets, and snuggling. Corn mazes with friends while you're piled high with parkas and scarves, and the sound the furnace makes when it kicks on. I just love it. Autumn is very refreshing for me. The atmosphere of it all puts me in a great mood.
*BONUS* I LOVE shopping for sweaters. :D
So it looks like after all was said and done today that this blog ended with sweaters. Who knew?

"I tried to live alone, but lonely is so lonely."

Obsession.
She walks in.
Obsession.
What is it she's wearing?
Obsession.
How's a girl like her end up in a crazy place like this?
Obsession.
She looks around the room with disinterest.
Obsession.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Obsession.

Have you ever seen those old perfume commercials? Youtube it.
So quite recently I've been the victim of a very heinous crime. I went to a dance last week. While there I did what I normally do, and I got my dance on. Right before leaving a gentleman asked for my attention and subsequently my phone number also. Unfortunately for me I have this problem where I can't say no to people when they ask me for things face to face.
Ex:
"Valerie, would you like to go on a date?"
Yes.
"Valerie, can I have your phone number?"
Yes.
"Valerie, would you like to do some PCP with me?"
Yes.
So I gave him my phone number. I didn't really expect him to use it. But he did. And then again. And again. And again. And again.
Problem is, I've already told him I'm not interested and do not want to go on a date. But he won't give up. The first couple of days his persistence was endearing. We're now at day 7 and it's no longer endearing. I wonder if he thinks he's winning points...because he's not. He's just making me sick to my stomach. It's gotten to the point where I've looked into what I'm going to need to get a restraining order and the prices for macho body guards named Bruno. Granted, I admire a man that doesn't give up after hearing "no"....the first time. I've now consistently told him no every day in the past week. What do I need to do to get through to this guy!?

I'm beginning to think the offer to do some PCP was a better choice.