"Hit me, knock me out and let me go back to sleep"

So I kinda hate my paranoia in reference to relationships of any kind.

With that said let's divulge the topic for today.

A bunch of us friends were hanging out the other night, and I had my dog with me. Those who have met my dog can attest to the needy nature of said dog. We were playing video games and Sam (my dog) stands up, walks across the room, and lays down on my lap. It interrupted my video game thus ending my character's life. I took my frustration out on Sam.

She ruined it for me though. She looked up at me with those big amber eyes, put her ears back and pouted. I couldn't be angry with her. All she wanted was my love.

So I melted. How does that dog have the power to do that to me!? All she has to do is look at me with her sad face and I'm reduced. I suppose this is what being a mom is sort of like. In it's very basic form, motherhood is similar to owning a pet. I know this theory is a strange one, but hey, wasn't Albert Einstein's hair strange until Lance Bass made it sexy?

There will be those who mock me, but I know where I stand. I've learned so much about unconditional love from my Sam. She's such a good dog. Anytime I'm mad she's submissive. Anytime I come home she flies up the stairs and embraces me as only she can. She needs me for food, water, bathroom breaks...My Sam loves me and I know it.

"You love me because I'm fragile, but I thought that I was strong"

Two subjects to cover today so let's just dive right in!

1. Being Single
I hung out with my friend Chip last night. Among other things we played a few rounds of Tetris (who doesn't love that game?). In this version there's this cool female voice that lets you know how many rows you scored when the blocks disappear. Ex: "Double" "Tetris" "Single"
I noticed last night that every time I got a single the invisible lady's voice almost seemed to taunt me. "Single, Valerie. You're Single!" Yes, the sad truth of it is I am single. However I'm beginning to wonder if that's a problem. I had a situation in the month of December where I met someone and we became close, but it didn't work out. It really threw me for a little while. I felt hurt and I wondered why it didn't work. Then about a week ago my ex-husband texted me and told me that he's getting re-married this summer. That was kind of an interesting blow. I didn't think I'd have to worry about thinking about that for a while, but there it was. And so I've been doing a lot of reflection lately on being single and whether or not I'm okay with it. A lot of people told me that I'm doing things right by taking things slow and not jumping back into a relationship right away, but what most people don't know is I'm not really doing it on purpose. If I actually got to know a guy I could see myself with I'd dive head first into a relationship. I don't know, but I think maybe I haven't really come to a conclusion on whether or not being single sucks.

2. Embracing Mediocrity
As some of you know I have aspirations of being a writer. My dreams never really took off because of one very important principle of writing...I can never come up with a title. Not only that, but for some reason whenever I get started writing a book I get lost. Right around the middle I seem to forget where this book was going and sprint off in another direction. It's very frustrating. However, I have managed to come up with quite an interesting idea for a story. I feel that it will be hard to stray from the path of the story because of the subject. The title is called Embracing Mediocrity. It's an idea I've toyed with in the past, but I think now is the time to grab hold of my idea and give it life! Ha okay, that was kinda lame, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm crazy excited about this and I'll be looking for people to proof read and edit my work because obviously I'm not an expert on grammar or the like. So that is my main ambition right now, and since I'm averaging about ten hours a week at work as of late I think I might just have the time to start on it.

"I wish there was an easy way to say this."

Ah man. It's been a little while. It's a new year! 2009. Time really does fly. Sometimes I can't believe I'm 21. It's hard to wrap my mind around. Things have been kinda crazy lately. Work just frustrates me to no end. Financial stuff is tight. Friendships have been tested and re-evaluated. The end of the year just seemed so rushed. It's nice to see January. A time to slow down.

Last night was interesting. I've been getting frustrated with things lately, and I had a feeling that things were getting to the breaking point. Last night was definitely that point. But it's all good in the hood. My mom told me a few days ago that it seems to her I learn things the hard way, and that I'm determined to figure things out by going through them. :) She might be right. Couple that with the fact that I'm crazy...makes for an interesting life. But as I say "Man! I'm learning a lot!"

I still have a lot to figure out and I even realized recently that I don't have as much figured out as I thought I did. But that's what life is all about, yeah?

Most definitely.